Twelve years later and I'm back in India. I love the nation and I'm ready to lose my whole being in the streets, the smells, the sounds, the color, the people, the bells, the temples, the rivers.
Straight to Kainchi; Maharaj-ji is in charge this time and he lets me know. I immediately feel him so present; he shows himself playfully sweet; and he takes me by the hand.
Kainchi is pure, austere. Prayer, worship . . . God, I need a cigarette! I feel jud (impure) and I wash my hands compulsively. By 3:00 a.m., I already have a name, which I cannot remember at the moment, and I find myself sitting by the tucket outside His room feeling awkward. It is so early that I'm sure to be breaking some rule; Maharaj-ji's blanket and flower offerings have not even been done yet. I sit quietly and silently.
"Maharaj-ji, they love you very much here. I don't know how to love you that much. O.K., Baba! JAO ME, and let's go to Badrinath."
Suddenly, fast, unexpectedly, the blue window behind the tucket opens. It's Ma. Darshan has begun. He rips my heart open. He is all grace and the ever-compassionate God supreme in all
creation. I melt.
Seventeen days of bliss followed that 3:00 a.m. encounter; something had been lifted. I was embraced.